stay

I’m so tired. I miss Cody. I have a ton of makeup work to do for math. I wanted to look at cars today. I have work at four. I need to shower. My clothes aren’t clean. Cody isn’t texting me back. I feel weird.

I used to come on here and write paragraphs

about my life. My anxiety. My problems. My relationship with my parents. My relationships in general.. My anger. My feelings toward myself…

Blogging about my life has just always been my way of purging myself from all of these negative thoughts. Because even though I’m on here bitching about my life, I’m not bitching about it for anyone’s sympathy or anything like that…. I just feel like its toxic to keep it all in my head. It poisons me. And my life. And that just makes me act differently and treat people differently, and be an asshole for no reason, and overreact and be mean about things that regularly wouldn’t bother me.

I feel like I separate my life into different worlds. Does that make sense? Home. Boyfriend. Friends. School. Work. Does anyone else do this? Does everyone? None of my worlds really fit together. They don’t merge. And that’s really painful for me. It wears me really thin.

And I don’t think anyone truly realizes that or even understands it…

It’s sort of like this.. I have my parents. My parents don’t like most of my friends or my boyfriend. They don’t encourage my relationship with others, which makes it hard for me to encourage myself to form relationships. Then I have my boyfriend. He has a mutual dislike for my parents because of the way they treat me. He doesn’t not like my friends, but he feels like they don’t like him so he stays away… My friends tell me I can do better than him sometimes. And that hurts.. 

I don’t want better than him. He’s perfect in his imperfections. Things get hard, but we can tough it out. Things are gonna get easy soon.

But where is my world? Where is the time set aside for myself? To keep myself sane?

No where.

That’s why I’m so insane.

I just want things to come together. To make sense. To fall into place. To be easy.

The way things are now.. they’re not easy.

A friend with weed is a friend indeed